it’s so easy to grow weary
but you never lose with a lust for life

and honestly that’s the best and worst part. you never really get over the darkness. but you lessen the effects of it. some days you don’t believe it and some days you do. and it’s vicious. it’s a vicious and cruel cycle of relapses and confusion and disorientation and wondering if this is all just a fantasy life and if that even matters. it’s one of the cruelest things to be plunged into darkness and never told when you’ll be let out. to try and get out on your own because you know some day it might be possible because before it was, but discovering that it doesn’t quite work like old ways anymore. and you try. you try and try and some days it won’t work at all and some days you’ll fight like a warrior and the next day spend hours in bed overlooking options of escape. you don’t get over darkness. you learn to work and deal with it. it happens. things happen. let them happen.

it’s a lot of things that you already know, but for some reason, don’t mean enough. nothing means enough. you love everything. you love potential. you see potential. but there’s this disconnection. and nothing means enough but someday something will. something already does. and you know it but it means nothing. it’s this lust for life trying to fight all the monsters on its own. and the monsters win a lot. and you wake up thinking, maybe today is the day I lose. 

but you never lose with a lust for life

take it day by day. I used to live for the weeks, months, years. but the smallest things will keep you going. live for each day. I’m going to wake up tomorrow and eat a grapefruit. or maybe a peach. my housemate might make sesame chicken for dinner. there’s a bunch of string cheese in the fridge that I have to eat. when I wake up my hair might do that weird wavy thing it does when I don’t blow dry it. and maybe it won’t.

and you know what. maybe the morning after that it’ll be wavy. maybe it won’t. 

but you live. you fucking live and you try to tell yourself that it’s the only way even though we all know it’s not but we’d rather not think like that. you take it by the day even though you know you live for the future. you take it day to day because you don’t see anything five years down the road. but you used to. and sometimes it kind of sucks. to have the darkness lurk up and take away some of your sight and tease you with it late nights and early mornings. it’s hard. it’s really hard. but you never get over darkness. you turn on the light every now and then when you can. but not at all the time. because light bulbs die and burst from using too much energy. and that’s okay. that’s perfectly okay.

you still shine brightly when lit.